March 15, 2018

And just like that, you're one.

Before I was even pregnant I would talk about how excited I was for my baby's first birthday. Everybody makes such a big fuss about it. You get them this big present that they won't understand how to use. You get them balloons that they'll care about for maybe 10 minutes. You go into their room and see them standing up in their crib and smiling at you, and they have no idea that they're officially a year old. Mostly, I was so excited to throw him a party and give him a smash cake. I was SO excited to give my kid a bunch of sugar, and suffer the consequences of it later. I was so excited for the pictures of my baby covered in chocolate and frosting with the biggest smile on their face! For whatever reason, the first birthday was one of the biggest parts of motherhood that I was looking forward to.

In case you were wondering, the day Jaxon turned one was probably one of the worst days of Jaxon's life. There was our one year old at the end of his birthday. He had a giant purple bump on his head from falling off the table at the doctor's office, his teeth were hurting and we didn't have a pacifier for him because he dropped it at the grocery store, and he was exhausted by about 6pm because he decided he didn't need a nap. His first birthday kind of sucked.

So, I started thinking about this past year and all of the expectations I had for motherhood. I thought I was going to be the perfect mother, just like I thought he would have the perfect first birthday. Yeah, things don't go the way that you plan them. Ever.

To be honest, motherhood was exactly and yet nothing like I had expected it to be.

I knew I'd be tired, but I had noooo idea how tired.
I knew I'd be busy, but I had no idea how busy.
I knew I'd be annoyed, but I had no idea I had the ABILITY to get this annoyed.
I knew I'd be spit up on, pooped on, peed on.
I knew simply leaving the house would be harder.
I knew money would be spent mostly on him.

I knew all of the typical things, but had no idea to the degree that I would know them.

But mostly, I knew that I would love this little boy, but I had no idea how much I'd love him. I had no idea that I'd literally risk my life for him. I had no idea that it would physically pain me to see him in pain. I had no idea how naturally taking care of him would come. I had no idea how proud I would be for him learning the most basic tasks. I had no idea that my world would start to revolve around him.

I remember the night we finally got to bring him home from the hospital. We tried to lay him down in the $250 bassinet we had found a good deal on and were so excited about, and he hated it. He just screamed unless I held him. So, I spent the first night home from the hospital holding him. I was in bed next to Kelly who was completely asleep, and I was staring down at this boy that I could finally hold without wires, who I could see without just feeling kicks. I started crying. Kelly woke up and asked me what was wrong and I just said, "I just love him so much."

The other day Jax was super sick. I spent two hours cuddling him until he had to throw up, and then I'd place a bowl under his chin to catch it. I spent hours after he fell asleep sanitizing toys, washing clothes/towels/blankets that he had spit up on. I smelt like vomit. I had it everywhere. I didn't change, I didn't shower, I just cleaned and took care of him. And I can honestly say that that was one of the most fulfilling days of my entire life. I always wanted my mom when I felt sick. I wanted her when my heart was broken. I wanted her when I was in labor. Sometimes you just need your mom more than you need anybody else, and that day my baby boy needed me. Not only did he need me, but he wanted me. He wanted me to cuddle him. He wanted me to take care of him. He wanted me to make everything better, and he trusted that I could. 

Being a mother is so difficult. It's exhausting. It's annoying. But this is the life I have always wanted. His life is what makes me feel as though my life has meaning. This is what I was born to do, and I'm so glad that Jaxon lets me do it for him.

Happy Birthday to my rainbow baby. After so much heartbreak he finally came into our lives and changed it for the better. I cannot believe how blessed we are to not only know, but to be the parents of such a sweet spirit. We love you, thank you for being born.

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