February 16, 2018

2 under 2!

I am going to be brutally honest with you guys in this blogpost, and I'm sorry, but I figured I should be as open as I can about this. As people know, it took us a while to get pregnant with Jaxon. Not in the typical infertility way, but just in the sense that my cycles were off, as well as every time we got pregnant for a while we ended up miscarrying. So, when we got pregnant with Jaxon and made it into the second trimester we were ecstatic! That's kind of the problem with miscarrying with your first pregnancies, you have no idea what it means for the future.

We love our little boy. He's perfect. He slept 12 hours straight in his own crib starting at about 3 months. He's such a happy little guy, even when he's clearly not feeling well. He's so ridiculously handsome, and he's honestly just so much fun. We're obsessed with him. He's everything that we could have wanted.

Buuuuttttt that did not by any means mean that we wanted to have another baby any time soon. For a little while we talked about starting to try in January 2018, and about a month after that idea came up I vetoed it. There we actually times when I said, "I don't even know if I want another kid. I'm plenty happy with the one that I have." I didn't even say that on nights or days when Jax was being rough, I would just randomly think it. I felt that way for a while, but eventually realized that we both always imagined at least two. Buuutttt that didn't mean anytime soon. At all.

On December 2nd we spent the day running a bunch of errands and just going around. We went to In N Out and I was stooooked, but the second the plate of food was in my lap I got ridiculously nauseous, but I tried eating it anyway because... it's In N Out. I got about half-way through before I was like "I actually can't finish this or I'm going to be sick." Kelly especially thought that was weird, but obviously I... probably... wasn't pregnant, so we shrugged it off. The next day at church I told him I needed to go home- I felt AWFUL. I told him I honestly just felt "off." Now, my husband knows that I say that right at the beginning of pregnancy. I had been pregnant three times total before this one, so he had heard that before.

So, I decided to take a test. I took it right before I was going to take a bath since I still felt awful. I took it and looked at it for a second, and then got into the bath.

Kelly came in and said, "Negative?" And I said, "Yeah. Even though I definitely don't want a baby, it is always kind of sad to see negative though." He nodded his head and went to get Jax. While he was gone I looked at the test again and literally screamed "KKEEEELLLLYYYYY" I handed him the test. It was a faint 2nd line, but it was there. It was DEFINITELY there!

I immediately started crying. A lot.

This was not the plan. It was 100% our fault (tmi?) but it still wasn't the plan. It was definitely a surprise. And I was not ready for this. MY HAIR IS STILL FALLING OUT FROM JAX, how could I have another baby????

I took approximately 9702394703297432 more tests after that because I was in such disbelief. How was I going to handle having two babies? Kelly was working so much, he still had a semester left before he got his Masters, and I just genuinely did not believe that I was going to be able to handle having two kids.

Eventually, after like 3 weeks, the shock subsided and we actually started to get excited. Kelly and I had learned that countless times, so I'm not sure why we were really that surprised about this one. We are so excited now. SO excited. Kelly daily comes in and says, "I'm so excited to have my two little boys," and honestly I'm stoked for the days he can pick the two of them up and go to a trampoline gym or go-karts and I can sit at home.

To be even more honest, I cried when we found out it was a boy though. I won't get into how badly or why we wanted a girl, but we did. I wasn't sad it was a boy, but I was so sad it wasn't a girl. I know that doesn't make sense, but I did love this baby and I loved him as a boy, but a little part of me really believed it was a girl. I'm genuinely over it though, because I KNOW that the second I hold that little baby I am not going to for a SECOND think, "I wish you had been a girl." That's my little boy, and I am so so so excited to meet him.

Things rarely go the way that we think that they will. Kelly and I have experienced this countless times. We'd plan to move somewhere, but be forced or have a better opportunity somewhere else. We'd plan on having a kid, we'd miscarry. We'd plan on a job, it would fall through. It happens all the time, and it happened with us getting pregnant with this little boy. But I can say with completely honesty that our lives have been so much better than we imagined they would be. We're THANKFUL for all of the times it didn't work out the way we wanted, because it was ALWAYS better. We KNOW it'll be the same with our little Maddox, and we know that this is the way it's supposed to be. 

So, here's to you little Maddox. We're so excited to meet you.