July 25, 2017

this life was my choice

My day starts at around 4:45am for the first time. I hear Jax crying a bit on the monitor. I wake up, make a bottle, get him out of his crib, feed him the bottle, burp him, and put him back down. By now it's about 5:15am, Kelly is already at work and I get into bed again.

At 8am I'm awoken again by sounds on the monitor, but this time it isn't crying- Jax tends to just talk to himself in the mornings until I go in and get him out of bed. He might screech or scream once or twice to get my attention, but at this point he knows, "Mom's coming soon, no need to cry."

I make a bottle and set it next to the couch in the living room. I make sure there's a burp cloth next to it, and I turn on some Disney movie. And then it's my favourite part of almost every day- getting Jax out of bed in the morning. Up until this point in my life I was miserable getting up in the morning, but seeing that happy little boy smile as he looks up at me from his crib is probably one of the greatest sights of my life. I swear, it beats every sunset, every open ocean view on a cruise, and it even beats seeing the waiter at the Olive Garden bringing out my pasta. It's my favourite.

I change his diaper, I change his outfit, and then I bring him out into the living room to eat his breakfast. He sits in my lap eating his bottle and watching whatever Disney movie I put on, which makes him take twice as long to finish his bottle, but hey- he loves it, so I love it.

Our day works in 2 hour intervals.
8:00- wake up, eat & play
10:00- eat and nap
12:00- wake up, eat & play
2:00- eat and nap
3:00- wake up and play
4:00- eat and play
5:00- nap
6:00- wake up, eat & play
8:00- bath
8:15- eat & down for the night

Of course on Sundays we add church, and every so often we throw in a trip to the grocery store, to the mall, or to a friends house, but more often than not this is our daily routine. It took a long time to get this point though. For the first few months of Jaxon's life there was a lot of trial and error for what worked for him the best. I also sleep-trained the crap out of this kid from the second he came home from the hospital, and even then it took about 3 months of doing the same thing every single night before it started to work. Getting into a routine took more than a day, a week, and even more than a month. It took a looooot of frustration and wondering if it would ever work or ever be worth it.

Let me tell you a bit about what happens during my days. I tidy the house, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I miiightttt shower, I take Ollie out, I'll make lunch, I'll make dinner sometimes. On top of that, I'll change a bunch of diapers. I'll wipe up spit up off my clothes, off the floor, off of Jax, off of Ollie. I'll see that Jax is constipated so I'll sing the special poop song and make Jax do the special poop dance, then I'll change the diaper once the poop song and dance work. I'll try feeding Jax some rice cereal, and when he reaches for the spoon to feed himself- I'll let him, even though it makes the whole process a thousand times messier. I'll clean Jax up from his rice cereal feeding. I move him from the floor on his mat, to his Jumperoo, to my lap about a thousand times a day. I'll help him stand, I'll help him sit, I'll help him burp.

If we do go for a drive with Kelly I have to sit in the back with Jax to make sure he's happy. Sometimes he wants his pacifier, sometimes he hates it. Sometimes he wants to look out the window, sometimes he wants to be covered up. Sometimes he wants music, sometimes he wants us to talk to him. And sometimes, he'll scream. He'll scream and nothing will make him stop screaming, because he decided he hates how reclined his carseat is. So, we go to the store and buy him a carseat that helps him sit up more. Then he's a happier baby.

Plus, leaving the house takes literally 5x as long as it used to. I have to make sure I have enough bottles full of water for the tiny trip we're going on, and make sure that my formula containers are full (sigh, formula). I make sure I have an extra outfit, an extra burp cloth, an extra pacifier. I'll get Jax dressed with pants and socks, I'll throw him on my hip, and bring him out to the car, and strap him into the carseat.

While we're out we are bound to hear people give us advice. When we were coming home from Toronto Jax kind of threw a fit on the plane, and I had three different people try and tell me how to comfort my own baby like I haven't just spent the past 4 months of my life trying to figure out what worked best for him. If Jax cries while we're out and I didn't put socks on his feet (because he usually kicks them off) then there is always a comment about how he's crying because he's cold (when in reality it's time for a nap, but we're not home). Everyone has an opinion of how I should've tried harder to breastfeed, or how I should dress him warmer. People think that they know my baby better than I do, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is.

But still, I politely nod- pretend to do the thing they advise me to do, and I go on my way.

On top of everything I have to deal with now with having a baby I also had to do a lot to get to this point. I went through 2 miscarriages. I went through 9 months of being absolutely miserable and in chronic pain. I went through Jax pushing his head into my cervix so I'd scream in public. I went through baths at 2am sobbing because of heartburn. I went through crying buckets because of TV shows I didn't even like.

And then I went through labor.

I went through having contractions strong enough to put me from 4cm to 7cm in an hour and a half with no pain medicine. I went through a nurse making jokes while I was going through these contractions as she kept missing my veins to get my IV in. I went through 2 hours of pushing.

And then to top it all off, I went through $10,000 of medical bills because this little boy I went through all of that other stuff with was born with pneumonia. I went through 2 weeks of going to the hospital every day, and having to check-in at a front desk so I could just go and see my baby. I went through 1.5 weeks of not being able to hold him, and half a week of wires attached to him when I did.

I have friends from high school that are single and are going on camping trips or traveling around the globe with their girlfriends with nothing but a job keeping them from doing so. They have their own income that they can use on themselves, and on whatever they want. I have other friends who are dating, but have no interest in getting married anytime soon, because why be tied down? I have friends who are married, but are more interested in working and saving up and traveling with their husbands and buying their first home. I have friends who had babies, but decided that they should go to work and get an extra income on top of their husbands.

I'm sure that to these people my life is completely miserable. Why would anyone ever want to have a baby? Why would anyone want to do something that drained their money while also causing them not to work? Why would anyone want to sit at home all day watching Fixer Upper and dealing with a crying, pooping, screaming baby?

I do it for that smile in the morning. I do it for that moment when Jax rolls over, which he couldn't do the day before. I do it for that laugh he gave when he saw Ollie running around outside. I do it for the chuckles I get when I tickle his neck and blow on his belly at the same time. I do it for the overwhelming satisfaction I get when I look at my life and I know that there is literally nothing else that I would rather be doing. There is no job that is better than this for me. There is no place I'd like to go on a plane and visit more than I'd like to be in my living room. There is no piece of clothing I'd like to buy that wouldn't get spit up on it eventually. Through all of the crap I have had to deal with there hasn't been one moment when I thought- I do not want this life.

I didn't fall into this life because I'm a woman and I felt that this was my duty. My husband doesn't go off to work everyday because he thinks that I'm not able to. I don't do the laundry and the housework like a little 60's housewife because I have to. I do it for me. I am being 100% selfish by choosing this life. Our life would probably be much easier on Kelly if I went to work everyday and helped to support us. Our life would be much simpler if we could travel around and not be tied down to one place. I mean, geeeeeez, my life would be so much simpler if I could have friends come over without having to give my son a bath and put him to bed in the middle of a conversation.

Making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom was an entirely selfish one. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed. This is the thing that I wanted most in this entire world. I don't sit at home and make dinner and clean the house for Kelly to support him while he goes to work, so that when he comes home he can relax. He goes to work everyday so that he can support me in my dream. This is literally my dream come true.

This life was my choice.
This is my literal dream come true.
This is pure joy.

July 19, 2017

lollipop baby monitor review!

OOOOOHKAY I'm going to get real with you guys! A good monitor is really hard to come by. Kelly's step-mom Shae sent us a super great quality one when Jax was first born, and I loved it, but when I had the chance to review this Lollipop Baby Monitor I had to jump at it. A monitor is a super crucial thing to have when you have a new baby, and since Jax has been sleeping in his crib by himself I really wanted to make sure I could keep an eye on him at all times.

You can purchase the Lollipop monitor on Amazon (with Prime) for $149.00 here, it comes in turquoise, yellow (pistachio), and pink (cotton candy). They're all just the cutest colours.

The Lollipop Baby Monitor, first of all, comes in probably the cutest packaging I've ever seen. It's completely great quality and the cutest colours and the packaging makes sooooo much sense. Everything is super nicely fitted into this gorgeous box. It comes with everything that you could possibly need including the cord for it, a wall mount, the monitor, AND they even have wall mounts for the cord to go through. You use a coin to push the cord into the wall mount so that the wires aren't flying everywhere... are you kidding me? How smart is that?

The monitor can be twisted around the edge of the crib and it's perfect. If you want the wall mount, use it- stick it against the wall and wrap the monitor around it, or just wrap it around your crib, which is what I did- and it worked perfectly and it's so cute. You can turn it and adjust it so that it has the perfect angle for you to see your little baby at!

After you've received the baby monitor you can download the Lollipop app and get everything set up. It is VERY easy to set up. They tell you exactly what you need to do in order to get it to work, so there is no guessing what steps to do next. The app is great quality too, it's not complicated whatsoever so it's not hard to find the monitor live view or figure out your way around. You can use the app to play music through the monitor, to speak through the monitor, and you can share the live view with whoever you want. When Kelly is at work he can actually go onto the app and see what's going on with Jax. The app will also notify you when the baby is crying, and it has the option to see the peaks when your baby wakes up through the night.


Also, look at the quality of this monitor! It's such great quality and this is the nighttime view! Can you believe the nighttime view could be this good?! A lot of other monitors have the blue nighttime view, which can make it really hard to see what is going on. You can also zoom in, which is aaaaawesome since I'm paranoid and if Jax is quiet too long I zoom in to see if he's still breathing.

To sum up, I'm obsessed with this monitor.

The actual camera itself is incredible quality and is not even slightly cheaply made. It's great quality! Not to mention the quality of the actual monitor view and the app. Everything works together so well and it's so easy to use. I love it so much! If you're looking for a great quality monitor for a decent price, definitely check out the Lollipop Baby Monitor- I promise you won't regret it!

July 17, 2017

jaxon's blessing + a pink blush dress!


Jaxon and I flew down to Toronto on July 7th and Kelly came down on the 13th. We had so much fun! We went down to Palmyra to see the Pageant and to see the temple where Kelly and I got married- it was incredible to see that temple with our little baby. We have come so far from our wedding day back in October 2014. What an insane few years!

Then on the 16th we got to finally bless Jaxon in my home ward in Creditview, and it was amazing. I loved hearing what Kelly had to say about our little boy and the kind of man he will become. I loved having my family and friends around to celebrate my baby boy! It was such an incredible day and I'm so grateful that we were able to go over to Toronto and be with my family.

For his blessing I wore this dress from Pink Blush Maternity and LEMME TELL YOU- it's perfect! It's so comfortable and flowy and I got compliments from basically everyone that came to his blessing. The colours are so unique and the pattern is so much fun! I'm seriously obsessed with this dress. Pink Blush has cute women, plus-sized, and cute maternity clothes and they're all ADORABLE! I was obsessed with them when I was pregnant and I'm just as obsessed since having Jaxon. They have the cutest clothes, which is reaaaally hard to find when you're pregnant.

I am a ridiculously awkward model, but I needed to show off this dress. So, regardless of my awkward attempt to model it perfectly the dress still made it look amazing.

How cute and flowy is this dress?!?!?????