May 27, 2016

one year later

I'll be honest, sometimes I even annoy myself with how often I talk about my miscarriage. I mean, we get it Lauryn, something sad happened to you and you haven't really gotten over it. I haven't, and maybe I should have or maybe I'm totally justified in still being this broken hearted about it, but trust me- I understand how obnoxious it must be to hear about it all the time. But I do it regardless; partly because it's therapeutic, but mostly because when I had my miscarriage I hated how quiet people were about it. It's really not that uncommon. I want people to know about mine so that if they ever experience something similar they can talk to me, they can read about how it felt for me, and they can know that they're not alone.

Despite what you might believe I don't actually think about it that often. Except when somebody gets pregnant. Now remember, I live in Rexburg, Idaho surrounded by newlywed Mormons, and I have a business where I design blogs... for bloggers. You know who are constantly getting pregnant? Mormons. You know who else? Bloggers. You know who especially? Mormon Bloggers. So, I generally hear about a pregnancy about once a week, and as much as I would love to say "I don't even think about my own baby when somebody else is having one," I'd be lying 100%.

When I see an ultrasound picture I'm thrown back to my own.
When I see a pregnancy announcement I'm thrown back to my own.
When people talk about the awful first trimester I'm thrown back to mine.

I honestly can't help it.

I'm going to give myself a little credit here- I don't cry anymore when I hear somebody announce that they're pregnant. I used to, but it's been a while and now I can actually be happy for these people, because since I get thrown back to my pregnancy I know how these people feel. I know the butterflies in your stomach when you realize you're going to be a mom. I know the feeling of looking down at that pregnancy test and your ENTIRE life changes. I get it! So, I am SO happy for those mothers, and not at all bitter. I'm jealous, sure, but I've realized that it's entirely possible to be happy for somebody and a little jealous of their life at the same time.

It's been an entire year.
One year ago I woke up my mom saying I thought I was having contractions at only 12 weeks pregnant. One year ago today I was in a doctor's office screaming in pain and continually saying things like "I'm sorry I'm getting blood all over the office," (I said this SO many times until they told me to just shut up because it was fine), but I was also screaming "It had a heartbeat! My baby had a heartbeat!" This was a surreal day, but it's been a whole year! I've made it one whole year.

It's been an emotional year. There have been countless times when Kelly came home and I was in a ball on the couch with the ultrasound pictures in my hand and mascara streaming down my face. There were times when I'd just yell about how unfair it is that I should have a little baby with my right now, but I don't.

This year I got pregnant again! It was only about two months ago, and everything was different compared to the last time I had gotten pregnant. I wasn't excited at all. When Kelly came home and I told him I didn't cry tears of happiness, they were tears out of fear (tears for fears- YES!). I really didn't think I could handle losing another one, but I did. Two days later I started bleeding, and suddenly the pregnancy tests were negative.

It has been a rough year to say the least, but I've never been alone. I've had family comfort me, I had Kelly, I had Ollie, and I had Heavenly Father. I never felt alone. I didn't cry for a few weeks after the miscarriage, because I was so overwhelmed with love from my Heavenly Father, and I had no doubt that my little baby was in better hands, and that everything was going to be okay. And guess what, it's been an entire year- and everything is perfectly okay! 

May 07, 2016

a should be mother

For the most part I can get through my life without thinking about the way that it could've been if I had been lucky enough to give birth to my little baby back in December, but when it comes to Mother's Day it is impossible to ignore the way that I feel thinking that I should be celebrated as well - because in my mind, I am a mother. 

  1. 1.
    a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.

My entire life I did believe this was the correct and only definition to mother. You are not a mother unless you have given birth to a living child. Although, lately I do not believe that one bit. You are a mother the second you decide that your life is not your own. The second you fall in love with a child, whether they're in your arms or not. The second you give up your entire life and are willing to make every single sacrifice that you need to for this child. Sometimes this is when you see the positive pregnancy test, and other times it's when you see the negative one and your heart is in so much pain because you are in love with something you do not have. You are willing to give up your entire life to somebody that you don't know yet. 

Mother's Day is a very sentimental day and I'm so grateful for it. I think it's wonderful that we give an entire day to recognize the sacrifices and the love that mother's make every single day of their lives, which they have honestly given to their children with no regrets. When it comes to my mom I got insanely lucky. My mom is literally my best friend, and I tell her everything (and I mean everything). I've always loved mother's day because I got a chance to celebrate her, which I should do every single day because she's just so wonderful. 

Although, Mother's Day for me is no longer just simply a day to celebrate my mom. Honestly, right now it's one of the hardest days of the year. It's so hard to see all of these giant cards, and flowers for the people who were lucky enough to have a baby. Having had two miscarriages in the past year it seems so unfair to me that I don't get to celebrate and that I don't get celebrated because I had such a misfortune. If I could I would be making every single sacrifice I had to to be a mother. I would give up my money, my body, my sleep, my time, my entire life for that baby that I wasn't lucky enough to give birth to. 

And I know I'm not the only one. There are millions and millions of women out there who would be willing to make those exact same sacrifices. Those women are in love with a child that they don't get to hold in their arms and kiss goodnight. I do not want to take away from the celebration of the women who were lucky enough to give birth to a child, you are wonderful. I merely feel as though there are millions of mother's out there that you can't recognize because they're not pushing a stroller down the street, but who deserve to be celebrated as well. 

So, to all of you "Should Be" mothers, 

Happy Mother's Day

Please remember that right this second there is a baby up in heaven that is waiting to be in your arms. Heavenly Father is holding that child, and that child is begging his current father for the chance to meet you and the chance to be raised by you.

Celebrate yourself today! Celebrate the fact that you ARE a mother in the eyes of Heavenly Father. You are a mother in the eyes of those spirit children. You are their mother, and they love you so much. You deserve this day too. Enjoy it.