November 29, 2016

25 weeks BABBYYYY

First of all, I am freaking out about this picture up there. I took the first one RIGHT before I left for my 20 week ultrasound and the second one I took about a week ago, so that's a one month difference and it just blows my mind. I remember thinking I looked so big in the 20 week, and I'm sure in another 4 weeks I'm going to laugh that I thought I was big in the 24 week one!

This trimester has been ROUGH to say the least! You know how you hear that the first trimester is super difficult and then the second is the most blissful? Yeah, it was the opposite for me. My first trimester was easy peasy - I never threw up or really even felt sick at all. I've thrown up MULTIPLE times since about 16 weeks or so and it's been awful.

How many weeks?: 25!

Gender: My little boy!

Names: Jaxon :)

Weight gain: I have officially gained 10 which the doctor says is fine even though hearing that I've gained 10 pounds kind freaks me out, but it's good- it's good.

Maternity clothes?: Always. 

Best moment this week: We got really exciting news (not even related to pregnancy) that we aren't sharing yet and that's been awesome! For pregnancy, I got Zantac and it's been AMAZING.

Missing anything?: Laying on my side without acid reflux kicking my butt. 

Movement: He is a VERY busy boy. I've been seeing his movements on the outside since about 21 weeks and now it's CONSTANTLY (except when I want to show someone him kicking). I even felt his little hiccups the other day and that was adorable. 

Baby size: Cauliflower (13.5 inches).

Cravings: Basically anything I see on TV. 

Symptoms: Acid reflux x13947093724093. I constantly feel like I just ate something spicy. 

Anything making you queasy or sick?: The smell of eggs... Yesterday one of my favourite waxes made me super nauseous and that was weird. 

Wedding ring on or off? On :) 

Happy or moody?: I'm happy mixed with me constantly saying, "I think this child is trying to kill me."

Looking forward to: March.... My best friend had her baby boy and when I go over there I literally just stare at him and think about how excited I am to hold my little boy. I'm totally over pregnancy already and just want him to be here... but I'm still pretty freaking far away. 

October 24, 2016

20 weeks & so blessed!

When Kelly and I found out that we were pregnant this time it wasn't the typical reaction that you hear most people having when they find out. It was July 4th and on a fluke I took a cheap pregnancy test (earlier than I should've) and it was positive. We drove to the store quickly and got better ones so we could see the two lines more clearly. I saw the two lines and went to show Kelly. He hugged me and said, "That's great," and then we both just kind of went to different rooms to process it. There was no real sense in getting excited, because we knew a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean a baby.

Over the next two or three weeks I took a pregnancy test every day (I'm not joking) I had to make sure that the line was getting darker so that I knew it wasn't a chemical pregnancy like our pregnancy in April.

At our 8 week ultrasound I was so nervous that I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom perfectly. We went in and the doctor said it looked like it was going to be a great pregnancy, but he knew that given my history that chances of miscarrying were a bit higher than other people. He prescribed me progesterone which people have said helps against miscarriage, and although not guaranteed did make me feel a bit better. At 9 weeks and 4 days I found the heartbeat on my home doppler, and just like the pregnancy tests - I listened to that heartbeat every day for weeks to make sure it was still there.

My body has never done what it was supposed to do. I got pregnant on day 54 of my cycle with this baby, I have had two miscarriages, I am sick constantly (while not pregnant), I'm a mess. I have never been regular in any sense of the word, so I was beyond nervous for my ultrasound today, much more nervous than I'd like to admit.

The ultrasound itself was kind of a mess, I had to sit up and I threw up in the chair half way through, during which time Jaxon flipped completely to a less ideal position hahah what a stinker. But she told me everything was great and then we talked to the doctor... I asked about everything. I asked about my placenta - perfectly placed for either a vaginal birth or a c-section. I asked about his size - perfect for where we should be right now. I asked about my chance for a c-section based on my body - 10%. Every single question I had for him was replied with the most positive answer possible. For the first time in my life my body is doing exactly what it needs to.

After two miscarriages and trying for months unsuccessfully we have a perfectly healthy baby boy, I have never felt so blessed in my entire life and I can't stand how happy I am.

How many weeks?: 20!

Gender: ITS A BOY!

Names: Jaxon :)

Weight gain: 3-5 pounds? Something like that.

Maternity clothes?: I bought maternity leggings and jeans and you'll never see me wearing anything else. I hardly need them, but I'm just SO much more comfy.

Best moment this week: Finding out that our little boy is perfectly healthy and everything is great!

Missing anything?: Laying on my back... at all. I am instantly nauseous and in pain if I'm on my back for even 5 minutes. I fall asleep on my side, but end up laying on my back so I wake up in the night constantly in pain because for SOME REASON my body insists on moving to my back... Luckily I have a wonderful husband who volunteered to sleep on the couch so I could surround myself with pillows on the bed so I don't move.

Movement: ALL the time! You should've seen him in the ultrasound today too, he is ALL over the place and I feel him constantly! Kelly and my mom even felt him kick a few times if you press down on my stomach. SO cool!

Baby size: Banana!

Cravings: Fried foods. Candy. 

Symptoms: The back thing... it physically pains me.  

Anything making you queasy or sick?: My back hahah. The smell of eggs, well the smell of anything I've never liked the smell of, it's just worse. 

Wedding ring on or off? On :) 

Happy or moody?: OH it's a mix OOOOOH! I'm happy and thrilled about the pregnancy in general, but I'm in pain and sick a lot so I'm just upset. 

Looking forward to: I'm buying a pregnancy pillow TODAY so I'm looking forward to that coming and hopefully helping me not roll onto my back during the night so MAYBE I won't die.

September 24, 2016

it's a .... whaaaat?!

To be honest, I'm not even the slightest bit surprised by the gender of my little baby. I mentioned in my last pregnancy update that I had always felt that I was meant to have a little girl first, but that I didn't really care what it was- what I didn't mention is that suddenly I was 100% sure I wasn't having a girl. I knew pretty early on in fact that this baby was a boy. I have no idea why I knew that, probably because I was just suddenly more okay with it then I had been in the past.

Whatever the reason may be, I knew it without a doubt.

How many weeks?: 17!

Gender Prediction: ITS A BOY!

Names: The day I met Kelly he mentioned that he loved the name Jaxon for a little boy, and that day I decided I was going to name my son that too, and then we got married hahaha. We've both had it picked out since April 2014. Kelly's dad, grandpa, and Kelly himself all have the first name Patrick, but go by their middle names, so his name is Patrick Jaxon, but will go by Jaxon (Jax).

Weight gain: Nurse said none, but wasn't worried at all.

Maternity clothes?: I still wear that sweater I love, but I still don't need it really at all. I can't tell if I'm sad about not having a bump or not.

Best moment this week: My ultrasound was less than a week ago, so I guess that.

Missing anything?: I miss not getting sick constantly. 

Movement: I think every once in a while I feel something going on, but not nearly enough to be like 'it's the baby!' 

Baby size: Pomegranate! 

Cravings: We've realized that anything I see on TV I suddenly need like right that second.

Symptoms: I just get sick really easily, I've had a cold for like a week. 

Anything making you queasy or sick?: Random things here and there that I just can't deal with.

Wedding ring on or off? On :) 

Happy or moody?: I have gotten better and I haven't cried over crazy irrational things in a while. I cried the other day listening to Christmas music (I'm not sorry for listening to it so early), but I do that when I'm not pregnant. I just love Christmas. 

Looking forward to: I'm having a super early baby shower at home in Canada in like 9 days and I am stoooooked! If you're from home, PLEASE come- you don't have to get me a present, I just want to see your purty faces.  

September 06, 2016


I'M HAVING A BABY (in case our giant gold BABY balloons weren't clear). 
To be honest, I would say "I can't believe it," but after a year plus of the crap that we've been through, I can believe it- and I'm so grateful that it's finally happening. 

It's been a long 9 weeks let me tell you! I have actually been very fortunate as far as pregnancy symptoms go, I was only sick for two or three weeks and I've felt great since about 10 weeks along. I got a doppler and I've heard the heartbeat every day since 9 weeks + 4 days and that has given me so much peace of mind (if you're in Rexburg and want to borrow it - I encourage it). 

It's just been long because it's been a lot of "I hope it works out." I tried really hard to stay positive from the minute I got my first positive, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. But we made it- my little baby is 13 weeks, so here's a tiny little summary on how things are!

How many weeks?: 13!

Gender Prediction: I have always thought I was going to have my little girl first and we always talk about her, but the farther I get into the pregnancy- the less I care! As long as I get to keep this one. We find out SEPTEMBER 30th!!!!! 

Names: We have had our boy and girl names picked out since we were dating (not even engaged yet). Here's a hint: The boy's first name is Patrick (that's Kelly's first name... but he goes by his middle name, just like our little boy will). 

Weight gain: Like maybe one pound.

Maternity clothes?: I wear this maternity sweater that I bought, not because I have to, but it's comfy as crap. 

Best moment this week: I saw the baby again today! It was kicking around and stuff, so cute.

Missing anything?: Not really hahah. I kinda miss having the energy to constantly have a clean house, but there's a chance I'm just subconsciously using the pregnancy as an excuse. 

Movement: The little one is moving around a lot, but I just can't feel it.

Baby size: Kiwi

Cravings: It depends on the day really. I craved steak for the first like 3 weeks and now I hate it. But every time Kelly goes to the gas station he gets me a Twix because I'm always down for that.

Symptoms: I get headaches and I'm tired all the time, but nothing else really. I've been super lucky!

Anything making you queasy or sick?: I cooked some ground beef the other day and I think I almost died.

Wedding ring on or off? On :) I hope I can keep this bad boy on for a long time, it's pretty, plus it kind of helps make this baby look like it wasn't an accident. 

Happy or moody?: Hahahaha let me just say- my husband is a very patient man. I didn't cry for 20 minutes because the characters in Friends aren't real, shut up.

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender and spending our savings account on decor and clothes.

May 27, 2016

one year later

I'll be honest, sometimes I even annoy myself with how often I talk about my miscarriage. I mean, we get it Lauryn, something sad happened to you and you haven't really gotten over it. I haven't, and maybe I should have or maybe I'm totally justified in still being this broken hearted about it, but trust me- I understand how obnoxious it must be to hear about it all the time. But I do it regardless; partly because it's therapeutic, but mostly because when I had my miscarriage I hated how quiet people were about it. It's really not that uncommon. I want people to know about mine so that if they ever experience something similar they can talk to me, they can read about how it felt for me, and they can know that they're not alone.

Despite what you might believe I don't actually think about it that often. Except when somebody gets pregnant. Now remember, I live in Rexburg, Idaho surrounded by newlywed Mormons, and I have a business where I design blogs... for bloggers. You know who are constantly getting pregnant? Mormons. You know who else? Bloggers. You know who especially? Mormon Bloggers. So, I generally hear about a pregnancy about once a week, and as much as I would love to say "I don't even think about my own baby when somebody else is having one," I'd be lying 100%.

When I see an ultrasound picture I'm thrown back to my own.
When I see a pregnancy announcement I'm thrown back to my own.
When people talk about the awful first trimester I'm thrown back to mine.

I honestly can't help it.

I'm going to give myself a little credit here- I don't cry anymore when I hear somebody announce that they're pregnant. I used to, but it's been a while and now I can actually be happy for these people, because since I get thrown back to my pregnancy I know how these people feel. I know the butterflies in your stomach when you realize you're going to be a mom. I know the feeling of looking down at that pregnancy test and your ENTIRE life changes. I get it! So, I am SO happy for those mothers, and not at all bitter. I'm jealous, sure, but I've realized that it's entirely possible to be happy for somebody and a little jealous of their life at the same time.

It's been an entire year.
One year ago I woke up my mom saying I thought I was having contractions at only 12 weeks pregnant. One year ago today I was in a doctor's office screaming in pain and continually saying things like "I'm sorry I'm getting blood all over the office," (I said this SO many times until they told me to just shut up because it was fine), but I was also screaming "It had a heartbeat! My baby had a heartbeat!" This was a surreal day, but it's been a whole year! I've made it one whole year.

It's been an emotional year. There have been countless times when Kelly came home and I was in a ball on the couch with the ultrasound pictures in my hand and mascara streaming down my face. There were times when I'd just yell about how unfair it is that I should have a little baby with my right now, but I don't.

This year I got pregnant again! It was only about two months ago, and everything was different compared to the last time I had gotten pregnant. I wasn't excited at all. When Kelly came home and I told him I didn't cry tears of happiness, they were tears out of fear (tears for fears- YES!). I really didn't think I could handle losing another one, but I did. Two days later I started bleeding, and suddenly the pregnancy tests were negative.

It has been a rough year to say the least, but I've never been alone. I've had family comfort me, I had Kelly, I had Ollie, and I had Heavenly Father. I never felt alone. I didn't cry for a few weeks after the miscarriage, because I was so overwhelmed with love from my Heavenly Father, and I had no doubt that my little baby was in better hands, and that everything was going to be okay. And guess what, it's been an entire year- and everything is perfectly okay! 

May 07, 2016

a should be mother

For the most part I can get through my life without thinking about the way that it could've been if I had been lucky enough to give birth to my little baby back in December, but when it comes to Mother's Day it is impossible to ignore the way that I feel thinking that I should be celebrated as well - because in my mind, I am a mother. 

  1. 1.
    a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.

My entire life I did believe this was the correct and only definition to mother. You are not a mother unless you have given birth to a living child. Although, lately I do not believe that one bit. You are a mother the second you decide that your life is not your own. The second you fall in love with a child, whether they're in your arms or not. The second you give up your entire life and are willing to make every single sacrifice that you need to for this child. Sometimes this is when you see the positive pregnancy test, and other times it's when you see the negative one and your heart is in so much pain because you are in love with something you do not have. You are willing to give up your entire life to somebody that you don't know yet. 

Mother's Day is a very sentimental day and I'm so grateful for it. I think it's wonderful that we give an entire day to recognize the sacrifices and the love that mother's make every single day of their lives, which they have honestly given to their children with no regrets. When it comes to my mom I got insanely lucky. My mom is literally my best friend, and I tell her everything (and I mean everything). I've always loved mother's day because I got a chance to celebrate her, which I should do every single day because she's just so wonderful. 

Although, Mother's Day for me is no longer just simply a day to celebrate my mom. Honestly, right now it's one of the hardest days of the year. It's so hard to see all of these giant cards, and flowers for the people who were lucky enough to have a baby. Having had two miscarriages in the past year it seems so unfair to me that I don't get to celebrate and that I don't get celebrated because I had such a misfortune. If I could I would be making every single sacrifice I had to to be a mother. I would give up my money, my body, my sleep, my time, my entire life for that baby that I wasn't lucky enough to give birth to. 

And I know I'm not the only one. There are millions and millions of women out there who would be willing to make those exact same sacrifices. Those women are in love with a child that they don't get to hold in their arms and kiss goodnight. I do not want to take away from the celebration of the women who were lucky enough to give birth to a child, you are wonderful. I merely feel as though there are millions of mother's out there that you can't recognize because they're not pushing a stroller down the street, but who deserve to be celebrated as well. 

So, to all of you "Should Be" mothers, 

Happy Mother's Day

Please remember that right this second there is a baby up in heaven that is waiting to be in your arms. Heavenly Father is holding that child, and that child is begging his current father for the chance to meet you and the chance to be raised by you.

Celebrate yourself today! Celebrate the fact that you ARE a mother in the eyes of Heavenly Father. You are a mother in the eyes of those spirit children. You are their mother, and they love you so much. You deserve this day too. Enjoy it.