November 10, 2015

getting to the due date

A miscarriage isn't something that you just suddenly forget about by any means. You don't just wake up one day and forget that it happened, because it did, and it will stay with you forever. Fortunately for us though we have been unbelievably blessed since the miscarriage and it has made it decently easy for us to keep our mind off of it for the most part. 

When we got pregnant we had very little money. We were living in a tiny apartment that we could still barely pay for and had started looking at 2 bedrooms and had no idea how we were going to make that work. We moved into a bigger one bedroom that we really couldn't afford just for the rest of the semester because I wanted more sunshine, but we were beyond stressed on paying for it. We didn't care though, I want to make that clear- we would have chosen this baby over anything else in the world, but we were kind of stressed all the time.

Almost immediately after our miscarriage our life changed. Kelly soon found another job that gave him plenty more hours, and since I wasn't sick anymore I could start working much more. I opened my Etsy shop, and Kelly found a full-time position on campus and my boss told me I could work full-time in the Fall as well. Suddenly our apartment was right in our price range and we were living comfortably. 

Through all of these blessings we were easily distracted and hardly ever brought up what happened. We were constantly busy, blessed, and very satisfied with our life.

It really hit me a few days ago the November was the month before our baby was due. Our baby was due December 6th, 2015. It hit me that currently I would be 36 weeks. We would be living in a two bedroom, we'd have a nursery all set up and a car seat in the car. We'd have a hospital bag packed because it could happen at any moment. We'd know whether we were having a little boy or girl and our lives would be so different than it is right now. 

I wouldn't be working full-time and we wouldn't be in the apartment that we're in. We wouldn't have the money saved up that we do and our medical bills would have been even higher than they are. We are insanely blessed right now in our lives in different ways then we would be blessed if I was still pregnant and expecting so soon. 

Having the due date so soon and thinking about where I would be in my life if I hadn't had my miscarriage is really heartbreaking. It's physically painful to think about the fact that my baby isn't about to be in my arms, but we've been so blessed. Heavenly Father made the miscarriage so simple for us. We were blessed every step of the way and we've been blessed every day since then. 

Our next baby will be born after Kelly's graduated and has a full-time job. We'll be near family and be able to be helped through every inch raising this child and that is such a blessing. I am so grateful for the hand that the Lord had in this miscarriage and our life after it. I wouldn't pick this life out of the life of having our child, but the Lord knows what's best and I am so grateful for the increase of faith that I've received through this trial. 

1 comment

  1. I have to agree. Having a miscarriage is the most painful thing I have ever been through, and because I was 19, I had many people telling me it was "for the best". I was heartbroken.

    Unlike you, me and my partner then became obsessed with the thought of having a baby. We craved the affection that a baby with tiny little fingers and toes would provide and fortunately, after another pregnancy loss, we managed to get one to stick!

    I'm 20 now, and this is my first child who we now know is a little boy! Me and my partner beam with pride every time he kicks and I'm secretly loving another reason to shop. He isn't due for another 4 month but isnt it strange how much life can change and go in opposite directions for two people who have gone through the exact same thing.

    I'm glad you're happy and finding a way to deal with the loss. I wish you both the best of luck when it comes to trying again