December 30, 2015

here's to 2016!


First of all, I literally cannot even fathom the fact that it's going to be 2016 in less than two days! My mind is just beyond blown. It's been quite a year though, I'll tell you that. Here's just a brief summary:

- pregnancy
- miscarriage
- new apartment
- like five different hair colours
- i turned 22
- kelly turned 24
- went to school
- started working full-time
- went on a cruise
- started a business
- and basically just overall rocked it!

November 13, 2015

Christmas To Me












'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hun by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

Christmas is without a doubt my all time favourite part of the year! I love the decorations, the music, the meaning- and honestly, just the Christmas spirit that everybody you talk to has! Starbuck's cups are red (which is totally enough for me), radio stations are playing joyful happy music, there are lights EVERYWHERE- and children are probably the best behaved they've been all year! I am in love with every single thing about it and so is my family. 

When I was working with my dad after high school we had to drive an hour to and from work everyday- and we listened to Christmas music nonstop VERY early! My mom put the tree up in early November (if we weren't going to Florida for Christmas) and my dad would be playing Christmas hymns on the piano almost every day that he could!

In Canada we have our Thanksgiving in October and it's really not a big deal. Nobody decorates and we only have one day off of school or work. Thanksgiving in Canada is just not as meaningful as Thanksgiving in the States, plus it's over in October! We don't have 'Black Friday' the day after Thanksgiving, we have 'Boxing Day' the day after Christmas! We don't have a Thanksgiving Day parade, we have a Santa Clause Parade/Christmas Parade and guess what, it's November 15th!

My first semester at BYU-I I was amazed that people would literally fly back to their state to be with their family for Thanksgiving. I couldn't believe we got three days off of school or that people cared this much! Thanksgiving is like a big deal in America and that was weird for me, just like it's weird to all of the American's around me that I put my tree up as early as possible and I'm seriously jamming out to Christmas music at work.

That being said I have no problem honouring Thanksgiving while I'm living here! We are driving all the way down to Texas for a week for Thanksgiving! I love this holiday and how amazing and important it is in America, and I'm grateful for it! I love the atmosphere surrounding it too whether I have my Christmas tree up or not! 

To me, having my Christmas tree up just reminds me of how wonderful this season is! It does not directly signify Christ, but it does remind me of Him and this season! Having songs like Mary, Did You Know?, Come All Ye Faithful, and Joy to the World playing remind me of the amazing miracle of Christ's birth! Listening to these songs and having these decorations up do not take away from the honor and respect I have for Veterans on Veteran's Day/Remembrance Day. It does not take away my gratitude for my family and the blessings I have for Thanksgiving and does not make me less likely to celebrate that holiday as well! 


To me, Christmas has always been something we celebrate as long as we possibly can and whether I am living in America or Canada I will continue to celebrate it the same way! My husband knows that it's a huge deal to me and I know that Thanksgiving is important to him and we compromise and make sacrifices for each other to honour those Holidays!

He went out and bought me the Christmas tree I wanted and more decorations than we already had because it was important to me and that's what Christmas is! Christmas is about happiness and seeing the look on somebody's face when you give them something that means so much to them! 



November 10, 2015

getting to the due date




A miscarriage isn't something that you just suddenly forget about by any means. You don't just wake up one day and forget that it happened, because it did, and it will stay with you forever. Fortunately for us though we have been unbelievably blessed since the miscarriage and it has made it decently easy for us to keep our mind off of it for the most part. 


When we got pregnant we had very little money. We were living in a tiny apartment that we could still barely pay for and had started looking at 2 bedrooms and had no idea how we were going to make that work. We moved into a bigger one bedroom that we really couldn't afford just for the rest of the semester because I wanted more sunshine, but we were beyond stressed on paying for it. We didn't care though, I want to make that clear- we would have chosen this baby over anything else in the world, but we were kind of stressed all the time.


August 02, 2015

get to know ME!




Well, I told myself that once I reached 100 sales on Etsy that I would make a post listing 50 facts about me so that people knew a little about who they were buying from!

So, here's 50 facts about me.

  1. I was in French Immersion for 9 years.
  2. I was baptized in French.
  3. I only knew my husband 7 months before we got married. 
  4. I literally have a passion for dying my hair.
  5. I have every episode of Friends memorized.
  6. One of my future children's middle names is Chandler.
  7. I still buy CDs and vinyls even if I never listen to them.
  8. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks pregnant.
  9. I am almost always sick in some way or another.
  10. I married one of the hardest working men in the world.
  11. I don't like going to movies, but I go all the time for the popcorn.
  12. I know the first and middle names of my first boy and girl.
  13. We've had those names picked out since before we were engaged.
  14. My favourite singer is Lights, and I mean- I am obsessed with her.
  15. I've seen her live 7 times and met her 5 of those. 
  16. I was attracted to brunettes all my life, but married a blonde (and he's sexy).
  17. My kitchen is almost always in tip-top shape.
  18. I love 80s music.
  19. I put wax in my warmers like 3 times a day.
  20. I had bright Ariel hair once and I miss it everyday. 
  21. I am IN LOVE with Christmas & everything about it.
  22. I listen to Christmas music all year and decorate November 1st.
  23. I have terrible circulation in my hands and feet.
  24. I hate jewelry and I usually just play with it until I break it.
  25. I get serious anxiety when I have to talk on the phone.
  26. I would wear cardigans and combat boots all year if I could.
  27. I also wish pumpkin was an all year thing.
  28. My dream job is working in criminology. 
  29. I changed my major to web design so I could work while being a mom.
  30. I love tanning beds.
  31. I love Monster Energy Drinks.
  32. I need to have a blanket on me even if it's hot.
  33. I can type 100wpm and that's how I got the job I have now.
  34. Last Christmas was the first in 5 years that I wasn't in Florida for it.
  35. I've been on two cruises and a third this December. 
  36. I took a year off of school to work and save for college.
  37. I spent 90% of that money I saved on concerts (mostly Lights)
  38. I find making lists and checking things off so satisfying & I do it for everything.
  39. I order pasta at restaurants about 99% of the time.
  40. I have a huge crush on Eminem.
  41. I still get butterflies EVERY TIME I see my husband.
  42. I have to make a legit digital floor plan before I rearrange or buy new furniture.
  43. My favourite smoothies have both carrot and orange in them.
  44. I wanted to wait 2 years to get pregnant after I got married until I met my husband.
  45. I plan everything and I kind of freak out if that plan changes.
  46. I really don't like Halloween at all. 
  47. My favourite colour changes like 5 times a month.
  48. I have three younger brothers and one is on a mission in Barbados. 
  49. I hate hate hate flying.
  50. I spent a month in Qatar and a week in Nepal for my birthday in 2012.



June 29, 2015

How To Avoid Comparison


My mom has said from the very beginning of my life "everybody is going through something and nobody is actually as perfect as they appear." I just never believed her. One of my biggest trials was looking at somebody else's life and wishing that I had it. I wished I looked like certain girls, or had the money that some people had, or got to travel like some other people, and I could never understand why my life wasn't as lucky as theirs.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." As we're going about our lives staring at other people and wondering why our lives aren't as fortune as them we are actually diminishing ourselves and putting ourselves down.

So, how can we avoid doing that and what can we do to make ourselves feel better about our own lives and circumstances?


June 27, 2015

OGX Hydrating Macadamia Oil


This is just a short review of OGX Hydrating Macadamia Oil. 

You can get this at Walmart, or a grocery store, or Ulta etc. and it's pretty amazing. Since I colour my hair a lot I had to find something that actually keeps it decently healthy for my everyday use or pulling, burning, and teasing my hair! I use this immediately when I get out of the shower before I even brush my hair-- I do that because it actually helps to untangle your hair and makes it easy to brush through without pulling any hair out. It's awesome!

I can't tell if it has made my hair healthier, but it makes it softer, and my hair hasn't been able to get any worse since using it even with all of the damage that I constantly do to it. 

Overall, it's only about $5-$7 depending on where you go and I think it's totally worth it! It's a cheaper alternative to some of the other options that more or less do the same thing!

June 25, 2015

The Value in Planning



If you have ever made plans for your life then you'll be able to concur with me that they hardly ever work out the way that you plan them and so it can be really hard in even bothering to make plans for your life. For example, when we got pregnant we had all of these plans for what was going to happen for the next year and a half and all of those plans had to do with me being a stay-at-home mom and how that was going to work. We were very happy with our plans and excited for our future.

Now we have new plans. We have plans for when we want to have a baby, where we want to live next semester, what we see ourselves in five years- but the truth is; probably not one of those plans will actually work out the way that we want and have planned.

So, why should be bother making plans if they don't work out?


June 20, 2015

Father's Day

fa·ther

noun.
1.
a. male whose sperm unites with an egg, producing an embryo.
b. male whose impregnation of a female results in the birth of a child.




What's great about the world wide web is that you can go searching for the definition of something that you mean to be amazingly inspired and come out with a way too descriptive explanation. Medically speaking, a father is "a male whose sperm united with an egg" and "a male whose impregnation of a female results in the birth of a child." I was just one egg that my dad helped to make into an embryo, and I was just a child as a result of impregnation, but I have so many more father's in my life than just the one who medically is my father.

First, I have a Heavenly Father. This is the father that literally watches over me every day of my life and wants the very best for me, because that's what a father does. He does everything He can to make it possible for me to return to live with Him, because He truly is a father and He misses me and all of His other children. Because of my Heavenly Father I am living and have this amazing Gospel in my life that gives me knowledge of Him and the Atonement.

Second, I have my actual father. Whatta stud. My mom always tells me the story of how my dad knew I was going to be a girl before she did, so he was so excited and brought home a case of pink diapers to tell her I was going to be a girl, and since that day he's made sure that I was a daddy's girl. He made it impossible for me not to be. He watched out for me in every single aspect of my life. He gave me the gift of straightening pictures in public places when they're crooked, and the gift of knowing how to make websites. Because of my father I knew the exact type of man I wanted to marry, I had such a great example of a father and because of him I found the man I married, whom he quickly approved of- because, Kelly likes ABBA.

Before I talk about the third father I have in my life I want to tell you a story: Before I got married I was always the girl who said "I want to be married for at least two years before I have a baby. I want to be a wife before I'm a mother. I want to be a mother- but way in the future." Now most of you know that I got pregnant when I was married for less than 6 months.

Because of the third man in my life that I already consider a father: my husband. We were married for about a mother before I decided that I wanted to have a baby really early on in our marriage, because from the second I met Patrick Kelly McBride I saw the potential of an amazing father. Kelly had fulfilled the first "medical" aspect of a father and put a little baby inside of me and we were so excited. I was SO excited to celebrate this Father's Day with him considering him a father, because for a whole this day has been very painful for him. I was so excited to buy him chocolates and different things that you give to dad's. I was going to give him a present from the baby.

Well, we don't have that baby anymore and this Father's Day is super rough all around. Everybody says that the moment a woman gets pregnant she becomes a mother, but I've considered Kelly a father to my baby for a long time. I believe that his potential to be a great father one day should be celebrated today, because I am so grateful that I married a man who is so capable of being everything I've ever wanted for my children.

I love all of the father's in my life so much and I am the person that I am today because each one of them has played a significant part in my life. 




June 16, 2015

Into the light of the dark black night




A lot of things happen in our life and we sometimes expect those circumstances and the events that happen to define how we feel and how we act, but it turns out that those have very little to do with our attitude or our happiness/sadness. I had always thought that if I had clear skin, and long blonde hair, and I got married that I would finally be truly happy all the time and with my entire life. Then I got all of those things and guess what, I wasn't happy yet. 

One of the scariest realizations is that we have more impact on our attitude and our moods then we give ourselves credit for. We constantly blame our circumstances for being unhappy, or sad, or just miserable in general, but that is just not a good enough reason because those actually have very little to do with it.

I'm not saying that sad things that happen in our lives shouldn't make us sad. When I had my miscarriage there was no way that in that moment or even a week after I was going to be able to smile really and mean it deep down, but that also can turn around. After my miscarriage I had moments that were really happy- and I appeared really happy temporarily, but I was still miserable. 

"I'll be happy when..."

It's unfortunate because I truly let myself believe that the reason I was sad half of my life was because things weren't working out in my favor. Things were always someone else's fault.


June 09, 2015

Making the best of a bad situation




Pregnancy is full of a lot of not-fun things. I didn't really necessarily get to the point of having too much pain or a giant belly of any sorts, but there were still a lot of things that changed my life even being pregnant for the short little while that I was. Right after we saw the ultrasound and realized my baby had already passed my husband said, "It's okay sweetie, I'll get you an energy drink tonight," and of course I replied, "dang straight."

Some weirdly but very important things to me include; caffeine, tanning, and dying my hair. Basically all of those things you can't do when you're pregnant (people say yes and some other say no about the hair thing- but I chose no). So, while I was pregnant I did my very best to stay away from those things. I dyed my hair brown from the blonde that I had right when I found out so I wouldn't have to touch up my roots for the next 9 months, I didn't even have too much Coke or Dr. Pepper even though the doctor said that would be fine, and I literally watched myself get paler as my husband got more tanned. These may seem like small things to you, but these are things that I actually enjoy a lot, but it wasn't hard for me to do those things at all.

I would pick a baby over all of those things a million times if I had to. I would never do anything to hurt my baby by any means. But, the second I found out that I had miscarried I said, "I want a tanning pass, a hair appointment, and a Monster right now." This wasn't because I really missed those things, I didn't really- I loved being pregnant! I loved giving those things up for my baby, but I had the chance to do something that I couldn't do before.

I didn't get to choose whether I got to stay pregnant. But I got to choose how I handled it. I tried my hardest not to mope around the house all day, I usually got dressed, and did my hair (sometimes), and I even tried going to work and to class the day after it happened.

I was heartbroken, but I really tried to make the best out of my situation. I didn't get to choose to have my baby back, but I got to choose what colour I did to my hair next! I got to choose how dark I would get! And if I wanted to drink a Monster today, I can!


June 08, 2015

National Best Friend Day

I really don't like to participate in these "National" days. I didn't even eat a donut on National Donut Day, which was really just weird because I eat them every other day of the year. But how could I pass this one up? I live with mine!


Now you do NOT have to tell me how cheesy it is to say that you married your best friend, I'm fully aware and I'm fully okay with it. I thought I would take this day to talk about my husband and my best friend. 

I met him in Subway, you all know the story. Tall hunky blonde man makes a comment about Canada while we were both in line for Subway. He then became friends with me and my roommates which was pretty cool. He was always over (I'm the only one that was actually okay with that- because he's such a dope guy). For about a month after I met him I just wanted to be around him all the time, and I promise you it's not because I liked him at all- I didn't. I thought he was awesome and he always listened to my problems and let me vent about guys that I liked actually. 

But there was something about him that I just loved. 

Then this guy decided he wanted to bring up the idea of us dating. I told him I thought it was a good idea and he said, "Meh, I've already decided it's not going to happen."

Well okay, you all know how that worked out.

Two days later he decided he couldn't live without me and asked me on a date. So, on May 13th, 2014 we went on our first date. It was magical.

It wasn't. It was actually kind of awkward going on a date with a guy that I usually just talked to about nothing in particular.

But what a freaking stud. Six days later as he was saying bye he accidentally slipped, "I love you." And he has said it to me multiple times every day since then. 

So, here's my best friend. The guy who loves that pillow sounds like hello. The guy who will think about the politics of Pretty Little Liars with me, and the stud who always says I look great- even when everyone around knows he's just sucking up. He's been my best friend for over a year and I get to be best friends with him forever!

June 02, 2015

One Week Later




faith
fāTH/
noun
  1. 1.
    complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

________________________________________________

When something as traumatic and heartbreaking as a miscarriage happens there are only a few options of how you're going to choose to react to the situation. 

I wish I could say that I snapped out of it and left my problems at home. Instead, I couldn't even go to church and see babies and pregnant ladies. I couldn't go to class without being able to randomly cry about it when I wanted to. Honestly, it still takes a little bit for me to even shower and make myself look nice in the morning. 

But what I never did was blame Heavenly Father. 


The first time we were told that we were going to miscarry there was a lot of contention and confusion in my faith. Having children is one of the commandments given to us in this Gospel, and I wanted to start my family early like I had always been told Heavenly Father wanted us to do. I could not understand why He would ever not want me to have a baby. Although, when it actually happened I didn't even have any slight feelings of frustration or anger toward my father in heaven. 

Since I've been married there have already been a lot of problems. My husband and I get along fantastically almost always, but it was a whole different lifestyle then I'm used to and it takes a lot of adjustments. But not once have we been so stuck in a situation that we couldn't figure our way out of it, or we weren't blessed. We were always blessed in a way that we didn't expect. We always had a way of figuring things out. 

Though I am very frustrated with the situation and I want more than anything to still have my baby inside of me, I know that I was blessed. Kelly had been in Texas the day before I started to bleed. We picked my mom up at the airport the day before I actually miscarried. Though the actual miscarriage was hell and I wish more than anything that it didn't happen, it could not have happened in a more blessed way. I felt Heavenly Father's presence so strongly telling me, "It's going to be okay." 

I knew from the second that I realized what was going on that Heavenly Father was right next to me, comforting me, and doing everything that He could. I may not ever know why this had to happen, but with the faith that I have and the comfort that I've been given from the very start of all complications; I know it happened for a reason. I have faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.


I know that this would not happen to torture me or put me through pain. I know that my babies are being taken care of until I'm ready to have them down here with me. Faith is a tricky thing. Sometimes it seems like it is impossible to have faith in such a horrible thing, and I can promise you that the faith that I have now is not because I'm not heartbroken. I have never experienced a more devastating thing in my entire life, but I've also never felt closer to my father in heaven, and I've never felt His love more strongly. 


May 28, 2015

Our [short] Pregnancy Story



“It’s actually a good thing.”
“You’re being very strong.”
"It happens to a lot of people."
“At least you didn’t know the gender yet.”
“You can always try again.”
"Now you can do _____ that you couldn't do pregnant."

Everybody has some kind of advice to give you once you say the word “miscarriage.” Though most of the things that they say are true, and in any other condition would be helpful and reassuring, there are few things that can be said to cheer up somebody who has experienced it, or are in the middle of going through it.

Then there are the few that ask what happened, or how it happened, and in my own desperation to not have to look somebody in the eyes and tell this story- I'm writing it here, because it does feel nice to say it out loud though I couldn't do it in front of someone.

When Kelly and I found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I switched my major to Web Design solely so I could be a stay-at-home mom and still work. It was always my dream job to stay at home with my children.

At our supposed “8 weeks” our doctor told us that we were going to miscarry and we had an ectopic pregnancy (so, I was pregnant but didn’t have a baby basically). Two days later when we were going in for me to have the procedure for it, we did an ultrasound and found out that our dates were wrong and we were just 6 weeks pregnant instead. Our baby was a little fighter.

At 8 weeks we saw a super strong heartbeat, a tiny little arm nub, and were told that once you get a heartbeat the chance of losing the baby goes down tremendously. So, we decided we’d announce it on Mother’s Day when I was only 9 weeks pregnant.


On Monday May 25th, I had started bleeding, and naturally freaked out and we went to the emergency room where they were less than helpful. They told us it was a waiting game and to call when the bleeding got “so bad it felt like I would bleed to death.” I asked them if I even had my baby anymore and they didn’t know, and made no effort to find out.

On Tuesday May 26th, we picked up my mom from the airport. My dad told me that one day in his office he got a prompting telling him to send my mom here for our birthday week at the end of May.

On Wednesday May 27th  (I was 12 weeks today) at around 12:30am I woke up crying because my cramps had gotten so bad. I figured it was just from the bleeding that I had, even though it had slowed down quite a bit. Every five or so minutes I would have a giant stabbing pain in the middle of my lower stomach that lasted for about a minute. I woke my mom up at 7:00 and told her that it felt like I was having contractions even though I figured that was ridiculous, I was only 12 weeks and really wasn't bleeding that much. 

At 8:00am my doctor’s office was open and Kelly called insisting that they see me right away. So, we went straight there. We were about 30 seconds from pulling into the parking lot when I was started experiencing the pain and trauma that the doctor assured me was miscarriage bleeding. My mom, Kelly and I stumbled into the doctor’s office with blood all over me and me bent over and screaming in pain.

20 minutes later they did an ultrasound and told me what we had kind of figured; the baby was already gone. I had already passed the baby.

Though for another two hours I was technically in labor, but I wasn’t going to deliver a baby or get to take a baby home. I sat there screaming in pain while people were giving me shots that were SUPPOSED to make the pain better. I would start to get light headed and almost passed out. I was throwing up all over the office. I was squeezing Kelly’s and my mom’s hands as they were yelling at me to breathe in through the nose and out through my mouth. While labor and contractions are already painful, I was constantly reminded that at the end of all of this, I still wouldn't have my baby.

Finally, at around 11:00 they did a d&c procedure and basically finished the labor for me so I would feel better, and I was sent home. 

So, I don't have our baby anymore. All the plans that we had made around this baby are not the plan anymore. And it’s painful. But, if this had been 4 days earlier then Kelly would have been in Texas and I would have had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. If my dad hadn’t had that inspiration and flew my mom up here then I wouldn’t have been able to squeeze her hand and have her guide me through a kind of pain only she would know.


Though this is easily one of the most painful experiences in my entire life, I was so blessed in the support that I had that day. Heavenly Father watches out for each of us, He has a plan, and although I have no idea why this had to happen, I have no doubt that this is a part of a plan. Even if I never figure out what that plan was, I have faith that this was for a reason.

March 25, 2015

"shall be but a small moment"

I think most of my life I have figured that once I had all of the things that I always wanted, I would be happy. It started out with wanting a different hair colour, or wanting a husband, or wanting a tan even. For whatever reason, I sincerely believed that once I had all of those things on my list then I would be eternally happy and never have a worry ever again.

Turns out, God has a different plan for each of us concerning that. And we will not just suddenly become happy one day because we got what we want. Though getting married was one of the things that I had wanted for a long time, I didn't suddenly wake up one morning and all of my problems had gone away. Some of them had, but then I actually acquired new ones! Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely happy with my life, and my husband and what we have together, but we have trials.

Being a newlywed student getting a simple undergraduate degree comes with a lot of problems. My parents always told me, "Love will get you through times with no money better than money will get you through times with no love," apparently that's a really old song that they know, and turns out, the song was right and so were my parents.

Although, it's not only the "no money" thing that I'm talking about when I speak of trials. It seems sometimes like it's one thing after another, and it becomes very easy to compare your life to somebody else's and wonder how you could get there and start naming off all of the things that are going wrong in your life.

Luckily, I have an amazing husband that will put his arms around me and comfort no matter how irrational I get. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I have a constant reminder that trails are just temporary.

 Alma 38:5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I read this scripture almost every morning. I have it open on my night stand so that when I wake up it's the first thing I see, highlighted in pink, and underlined a few times. Sometimes life just seems like all of your trials will never end. It feels like the world is caving in on you and God has forgotten about you and those trials. It gets pretty hard in life sometimes and it feels like you really have no place to turn.

That is why I'm so grateful that I never have to actually believe that, because no matter how hard my life gets or how ever long the trials seem to be, I know that they are a fleeting moment. Heavenly Father has sent us to this earth so that we may struggle, have trials and tribulations, and learn. I realized that when I'm at my darkest times, if I turn to the Lord then He is always there listening, and He cares.

Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to get down on your knees, or get all dressed up and go to the temple, but it's always worth it. I've realized that one of the hardest things is realizing that things aren't going to be fixed right away! Like most things in life it takes a constant effort to get the results that you're looking for!

Heavenly Father has a plan for us. He wants us to be happy more than anything else. He loves us! Sometimes it is hard to trust in Him, but when we do there is a far better plan waiting on the other side as long as we give ourselves to Him and have faith in Him and His plan!

He has a far better plan for each of us then we even have for ourselves. I have seen it countless times! I thought I had my entire life figured out and I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father wouldn't give me what I so desperately wanted and figured would be best for me! And time and time again he has given me something even better than I had imagined! Sometimes it just takes a couple trials, a few downfalls, and the effort and strength to pick ourselves back up and come back to Him in faith before we can truly receive what He has in store.

 It's not easy, but He has never forgotten us. Putting our faith in God and trusting in His plan will bring us out of our trials and toward eternal happiness.


March 12, 2015

Why I need Him



need
nēd/
verb
  1. 1.
    require (something) because it is essential or very important.

_______________________________________________________________________
I think one of the most common questions that we ask ourselves in this life is whether we need something or just simply want it. Whether it's money, a certain job, and random things that we can buy with that money because of that job. It's hard to realize what is a necessity, what is essential, and what is truly important. Being married has forced me to reconsider what I need in my life and what is simply just a really, really strong want! 

There were times in high school or elementary school when I thought that I needed this guy to like me, or I needed those clothes, and I needed to be the most popular. Getting married didn't necessarily change my mind and make it clear to me what is the most important. Although I'm only four months married it was really easy for me to instantly fall into this state that I needed everything right away! I needed the really nice apartment with the nice furniture, I needed all the nicest clothes so I could present myself well, I needed a new computer because mine just wasn't cutting it for my standards anymore. All these things that I needed, but I never thought about what would have happened if I didn't get them.

Although I was very confused about what I truly believed that I needed right away I started to lose focus on what I actually need the most in my life. I need my Heavenly Father. I need His Gospel. I need  the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This is just a short list of things that God provides for me that I truly require, because it is essential and VERY important. For whatever reason, after I got married I turned a new leaf of having the complete wrong idea of what I needed and what was the most important. One of my biggest goals in my life was to find a husband that treated me well and that I loved enough to spend the rest of eternity with, and I think that once I met him I stopped doing all those things that I felt were necessary to earn him. I didn't go to church with the same intent, I didn't read my scriptures or pray as faithfully as I used too. Suddenly, Heavenly Father gave me what I had wanted my entire life, and in my mind for a split second I thought, why do I need Him anymore?

What I forgot was the fact that if it weren't for my Heavenly Father, if it weren't for His Gospel and if it weren't for the Atoning Sacrifice of our Saviour Jesus Christ, then I wouldn't have the thing that I hold the most dear to me right now.

I was married in the temple for time and all eternity to the man that I always prayed and dreamed and hoped that I'd one day find. But I didn't find him by myself. I didn't earn his love on my own. Though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I do not think it was a coincidence that my future husband was standing in line at the Subway that I went to after catching the last spot on the earlier bus and getting me there early enough to meet him. I would not have been able to make a sacred covenant with the love of my life for time and all eternity if I did not have this gospel in my life, and if I didn't have Him in my life.

Because of Him all things are possible. Because of Him we can have everything that we always wanted! He is what I need. I need Him now just as much if not more than I needed Him when I was searching for my eternal companion. I need Him every second of my life, I require my Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost constantly surrounding me in order to have the life that I want for myself. Because of Him I can have a lot of those things that I confuse as needs. He knows what is most important to us. He loves us and want us to be happy and will give us the very best that we can have! There were times when I couldn't believe I wasn't married (even though I was still so young), but now-- knowing who I marry, knowing how happy he makes me, and knowing that I'll have him for eternity because of this Gospel and my Heavenly Father, I would wait forever to have this again.

I need my Heavenly Father just as much as I want him. I need every inch of this Gospel. I need the Atonement, and I need the constant companionship and peace that this Gospel can give to everyone as long as we remember what we truly need. Without Him I wouldn't be who I am and I wouldn't have everything that I have. I owe everything that has come to me in my life to Him, and I need Him.