February 16, 2018

2 under 2!

I am going to be brutally honest with you guys in this blogpost, and I'm sorry, but I figured I should be as open as I can about this. As people know, it took us a while to get pregnant with Jaxon. Not in the typical infertility way, but just in the sense that my cycles were off, as well as every time we got pregnant for a while we ended up miscarrying. So, when we got pregnant with Jaxon and made it into the second trimester we were ecstatic! That's kind of the problem with miscarrying with your first pregnancies, you have no idea what it means for the future.

We love our little boy. He's perfect. He slept 12 hours straight in his own crib starting at about 3 months. He's such a happy little guy, even when he's clearly not feeling well. He's so ridiculously handsome, and he's honestly just so much fun. We're obsessed with him. He's everything that we could have wanted.

Buuuuttttt that did not by any means mean that we wanted to have another baby any time soon. For a little while we talked about starting to try in January 2018, and about a month after that idea came up I vetoed it. There we actually times when I said, "I don't even know if I want another kid. I'm plenty happy with the one that I have." I didn't even say that on nights or days when Jax was being rough, I would just randomly think it. I felt that way for a while, but eventually realized that we both always imagined at least two. Buuutttt that didn't mean anytime soon. At all.

On December 2nd we spent the day running a bunch of errands and just going around. We went to In N Out and I was stooooked, but the second the plate of food was in my lap I got ridiculously nauseous, but I tried eating it anyway because... it's In N Out. I got about half-way through before I was like "I actually can't finish this or I'm going to be sick." Kelly especially thought that was weird, but obviously I... probably... wasn't pregnant, so we shrugged it off. The next day at church I told him I needed to go home- I felt AWFUL. I told him I honestly just felt "off." Now, my husband knows that I say that right at the beginning of pregnancy. I had been pregnant three times total before this one, so he had heard that before.

So, I decided to take a test. I took it right before I was going to take a bath since I still felt awful. I took it and looked at it for a second, and then got into the bath.

Kelly came in and said, "Negative?" And I said, "Yeah. Even though I definitely don't want a baby, it is always kind of sad to see negative though." He nodded his head and went to get Jax. While he was gone I looked at the test again and literally screamed "KKEEEELLLLYYYYY" I handed him the test. It was a faint 2nd line, but it was there. It was DEFINITELY there!

I immediately started crying. A lot.

This was not the plan. It was 100% our fault (tmi?) but it still wasn't the plan. It was definitely a surprise. And I was not ready for this. MY HAIR IS STILL FALLING OUT FROM JAX, how could I have another baby????

I took approximately 9702394703297432 more tests after that because I was in such disbelief. How was I going to handle having two babies? Kelly was working so much, he still had a semester left before he got his Masters, and I just genuinely did not believe that I was going to be able to handle having two kids.

Eventually, after like 3 weeks, the shock subsided and we actually started to get excited. Kelly and I had learned that countless times, so I'm not sure why we were really that surprised about this one. We are so excited now. SO excited. Kelly daily comes in and says, "I'm so excited to have my two little boys," and honestly I'm stoked for the days he can pick the two of them up and go to a trampoline gym or go-karts and I can sit at home.

To be even more honest, I cried when we found out it was a boy though. I won't get into how badly or why we wanted a girl, but we did. I wasn't sad it was a boy, but I was so sad it wasn't a girl. I know that doesn't make sense, but I did love this baby and I loved him as a boy, but a little part of me really believed it was a girl. I'm genuinely over it though, because I KNOW that the second I hold that little baby I am not going to for a SECOND think, "I wish you had been a girl." That's my little boy, and I am so so so excited to meet him.

Things rarely go the way that we think that they will. Kelly and I have experienced this countless times. We'd plan to move somewhere, but be forced or have a better opportunity somewhere else. We'd plan on having a kid, we'd miscarry. We'd plan on a job, it would fall through. It happens all the time, and it happened with us getting pregnant with this little boy. But I can say with completely honesty that our lives have been so much better than we imagined they would be. We're THANKFUL for all of the times it didn't work out the way we wanted, because it was ALWAYS better. We KNOW it'll be the same with our little Maddox, and we know that this is the way it's supposed to be. 

So, here's to you little Maddox. We're so excited to meet you.

November 27, 2017

the best headphones ever!

Having a baby can be really exhausting and it can be so hard to keep them occupied for the entire day. I've tried all sorts of games and activities. Jax has lots of toys that he really does love playing with, but it seems like they get bored at the exact wrong time. Picture this, I'm starving and Kelly will be home in about an hour and I decide I should probably make dinner or even clean the house even a little bit. Jax is completely happy and content with his toys so I figure that I should probably quickly start getting that stuff done. Then Jax decides he isn't happy and he wants my attention and his toys have now become the most boring toys any child has ever owned. It's the same thing when I want to shower, or literally do anything.

So, in a desperate attempt to not want to die or to actually have a chance to clean myself and the house, I found a few shows Jax likes. First of all, they're not actual SHOWS. Like Jax literally will NOT sit there and watch a Disney movie, a random kids TV show like Little Einsteins, or even the Barney episodes that Kelly and I worshipped when we were his age. Jax only likes 'shows' that are constantly singing. CONSTANTLY. If there is even more than 5 minutes of talking he gets mad and starts screaming until the next song. So, while he'd be happy sitting there watching Disney songs, he can't watch the entire Disney movie without a few fits.

I always told myself that I wasn't going to be the mom that let her kid sit in front of the TV, and I really try to avoid it. I try and take him for walks, or read with him, and I always try and sit there and play with his toys with him. But it just gets to a point where you need to keep your sanity and a healthy amount of hygiene, so in come these shows he loves.

The hardest part EVER though is that Jax flies a lot. Kelly's family lives in Dallas and my family lives in Toronto, so as you can imagine- we are flying all over the place all of the time. Jax has already flown to Dallas twice and Toronto once, and back. In about 2.5 weeks I'm flying with him to Calgary and back for my brother's wedding. He hates flights recently. Hates them. I always do the basic 'feed him while taking off and descending so his ears don't pop,' I have Puffs, bottles, toys, blankets, and his pacifiers, but it gets to a point where he's just DONE sitting in my lap and throws a fit.

But I didn't want to annoy everybody on the flight with hearing 20 different versions of the Wheels on the Bus and songs about washing your hands after you poop. They didn't want to hear that. So, I went on a search for some headphones for him and it was SUCH a frustrating task. Obviously I couldn't use in-ear headphones, and over-ear headphones would eventually just be ripped off his head and turned into a new teething toy my innovative boy invented.

I took to the Internet and I found CozyPhones on their website. I LITERALLY freaked out! I was SOOOOOOOOO in love with them. I texted Kelly a picture and told him all about how they were a headband that is also headphones. I had never thought about something like this. It literally struck me as pure genius and I was obsessed. I ordered them and they arrived in the mail a few days later and my life was changed.

First of all, how FREAKING CUTE ARE THESE HEADPHONES? I put them on him and may have freaked out about how cute he looked in them. A little fox on his head? Are you kidding me? Just the most brilliant and adorable idea. He immediately loved them. It didn't take any convincing whatsoever. I gave him my phone with one of his shows with constant music, and he was hooked.

Then just to make the whole situation better, we traveled to Dallas and back this past week for Thanksgiving. So, this was the real reason I wanted to get these headphones for him, and I was so excited to try them out. Well........ they were SUCH a hit. He'd be screaming for who knows what reason, and I'd throw the headphones on him and he was so content.

I hate flying. I hated it before I had Jax. I hated it. So, when I had Jax I knew it was going to be brutal in a whole new way and I was dreading it. This made my life so much easier. I'm significantly dreading our trip to Calgary in a couple of weeks so much less, and if you ask me- anything that makes life as a parent easier is a win!

So, thank you CozyPhones for making my life easier. Thank you for making me dread flights significantly less with Jaxon. Thank you for being a lifesaver!

September 29, 2017

being a "social media mom"

To be honest, I hate putting labels on people or things in general. I hate the term 'Instagram Mom' or 'Social Media Mom' or 'Influencer' or anything like that. I think it puts every single mom out there on Instagram into a group, and if one person gives that group a bad name then everybody who has ever considered themselves a part of that group gets that bad name too. Although, lately that's more or less who I've been. I don't work like my husband does, so the only income I have is through any sort of compensation that I can make through my social media presence.

Now, I'll be honest, sometimes it's really rad. I've received the DockATot, a baby monitor, books, toys, clothes, and more as compensation for me posting about these things on social media. In fact, I'm even finally getting my teeth straightened for free in exchange for me posting about the company. Most of the time I have no problem doing so because I honestly believe in the company or the product that I'm working with. Like my teeth, I will praise them up and down for so many reasons without even a second thought.

But I'm not here to talk about the influencer or the marketing part of being a social media mom. There are plenty articles, mock Instagram accounts, and blog posts that you can go and read to figure out more about what I do there. You'll hear good and bad, I'm warning you now.

I really just want to talk about what it's like being a mom in the digital age. What it's like posting pictures of your children and making friends through social media. To be honest, a lot of the times it's amazing. I've met some really dope people through social media. In fact, the three women I hangout with in Utah (yeah, that's all my friends) I met through social media, and we're like besties. We love each other and we have a really great relationship, so in that case I am totally in love with the idea of social media.

Social media has brought a lot of joy to my life. A lot of joy. But it has also brought just as much, if not more, misery. You know who's on social media? Everybody. Including that girl you've been jealous of your entire life, who somehow has a perfectly flawless Instagram feed and people just flock to her. You know who else? That mom that you met who's kid is younger than yours but is far more developed. They're eating solid foods perfectly, sleeping perfectly, crawling a month before your kid does, etc. You know who else? The most hilarious person you have ever met and you're convinced you'd be best friends with them, but they're too busy to give you a second thought.

Someone always has a better camera.

Someone always has a smarter kid.

Someone is always prettier.

Someone is always smarter.

Somebody always has a nicer apartment.

Somebody always travels more.

Somebody will always have a seemingly more perfect life than you do. Always. ALWAYS. That is a very discouraging thought. It is so discouraging to see moms as I scroll through Instagram posting pictures of their day. Their house is perfectly clean. They're showered. Their hair is perfect. Their makeup is on (and they use brands that you can't afford). Their child is asleep in their super expensive crib for their 2nd perfect nap of the day.

So, where are you? You're in the same sweats you've had on for three days. When was the last time you showered? You have dishes in the sink. You kid won't stop screaming, or crying, and refuses to nap. You're about this close to going completely and utterly insane and vowing to never have another child. And you're wondering why you even had a child to begin with. Remember those days you'd just hangout with your husband and watch a movie? Yeah, those days are gone.

Let me break this down for you.



I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I'm not. You know why your friends aren't posting about their acne and their hemorrhoids when they're pregnant? Because nobody else is. Just like you, they are convinced that nobody else has these disgusting things going on with their body because nobody else posts about it, and they will not be the first one to break the silence, because WHAT IF they're the only ones?

Nobody is going to post that their three day old makeup is all over their face from breaking down and wondering if they'll ever be able to handle this 'mom' life, because guess what? Nobody else is! Nobody wants to admit that there are days that they regret having kids. Nobody else wants to admit that there are days where they just can't handle it!

This leaves people completely and utterly alone, and this is exactly where my undeniable shame and misery come from. It comes from that feeling like everybody else is a better mother because they keep their cool better than I do. It comes from believing that everybody else is prettier, when in reality it took that girl like 45 minutes to get that makeup on, and there's a good chance their kid was crying when they did it. 

You know when people don't want to pull out their camera and film? When their kid is screaming bloody murder and they can't figure out why! Think about ALL of the times that you've been at your worse, or your kid has been at their worse. Did you ever really consider taking a picture or filming it or posting it on your Instagram story? Nooooooo. There are so many other things to worry about in those moments, and on top of that- you don't want to admit that you don't have your shit under control at all times. Of course you don't, and I don't blame you- I don't either. I want people to think that I know exactly what I'm doing at all times.

Granted, I have an angel child, and I have been completely blessed. But I am not a perfect mother. I will never be a perfect mother. I will never be the prettiest or the most put together. I will never be able to actually justify spending $2,500 on a couch that my kid is going to spit up on. My husband is a student just now starting to make his way into the corporate finance world. We have no money. Our apartment has cinder block walls for now, and I cry about my teeth, and my breakouts, and my hair, like 3 times a week.

every single person that you follow on social media is struggling with something that you have no idea about. every. single. person.

And it might not be the same thing you struggle with. That girl might have full confidence in her looks while I'm over here crying because my teeth are crooked, but some other girl might be crying because her husband isn't giving her attention and she feels unloved while I have a seemingly perfect husband. You have no freaking idea what people crying about when they have a moment alone with their thoughts. You have no idea that somebody is comparing their life to yours while your comparing yours to somebody else's.

Being a social media mom means putting your life out there for the world to see. It's opening yourself up to ridicule, and it's opening yourself up to seeing other people who might have a better life than you. MIGHT. You are seeing their highlight reel. The VSCO edited picture after 42973423 takes, and all you can focus on are the unedited outtakes. 

It can be brutal, but you're not the only one who thinks so.