March 15, 2018

And just like that, you're one.

Before I was even pregnant I would talk about how excited I was for my baby's first birthday. Everybody makes such a big fuss about it. You get them this big present that they won't understand how to use. You get them balloons that they'll care about for maybe 10 minutes. You go into their room and see them standing up in their crib and smiling at you, and they have no idea that they're officially a year old. Mostly, I was so excited to throw him a party and give him a smash cake. I was SO excited to give my kid a bunch of sugar, and suffer the consequences of it later. I was so excited for the pictures of my baby covered in chocolate and frosting with the biggest smile on their face! For whatever reason, the first birthday was one of the biggest parts of motherhood that I was looking forward to.

In case you were wondering, the day Jaxon turned one was probably one of the worst days of Jaxon's life. There was our one year old at the end of his birthday. He had a giant purple bump on his head from falling off the table at the doctor's office, his teeth were hurting and we didn't have a pacifier for him because he dropped it at the grocery store, and he was exhausted by about 6pm because he decided he didn't need a nap. His first birthday kind of sucked.

So, I started thinking about this past year and all of the expectations I had for motherhood. I thought I was going to be the perfect mother, just like I thought he would have the perfect first birthday. Yeah, things don't go the way that you plan them. Ever.

To be honest, motherhood was exactly and yet nothing like I had expected it to be.

I knew I'd be tired, but I had noooo idea how tired.
I knew I'd be busy, but I had no idea how busy.
I knew I'd be annoyed, but I had no idea I had the ABILITY to get this annoyed.
I knew I'd be spit up on, pooped on, peed on.
I knew simply leaving the house would be harder.
I knew money would be spent mostly on him.

I knew all of the typical things, but had no idea to the degree that I would know them.

But mostly, I knew that I would love this little boy, but I had no idea how much I'd love him. I had no idea that I'd literally risk my life for him. I had no idea that it would physically pain me to see him in pain. I had no idea how naturally taking care of him would come. I had no idea how proud I would be for him learning the most basic tasks. I had no idea that my world would start to revolve around him.

I remember the night we finally got to bring him home from the hospital. We tried to lay him down in the $250 bassinet we had found a good deal on and were so excited about, and he hated it. He just screamed unless I held him. So, I spent the first night home from the hospital holding him. I was in bed next to Kelly who was completely asleep, and I was staring down at this boy that I could finally hold without wires, who I could see without just feeling kicks. I started crying. Kelly woke up and asked me what was wrong and I just said, "I just love him so much."

The other day Jax was super sick. I spent two hours cuddling him until he had to throw up, and then I'd place a bowl under his chin to catch it. I spent hours after he fell asleep sanitizing toys, washing clothes/towels/blankets that he had spit up on. I smelt like vomit. I had it everywhere. I didn't change, I didn't shower, I just cleaned and took care of him. And I can honestly say that that was one of the most fulfilling days of my entire life. I always wanted my mom when I felt sick. I wanted her when my heart was broken. I wanted her when I was in labor. Sometimes you just need your mom more than you need anybody else, and that day my baby boy needed me. Not only did he need me, but he wanted me. He wanted me to cuddle him. He wanted me to take care of him. He wanted me to make everything better, and he trusted that I could. 

Being a mother is so difficult. It's exhausting. It's annoying. But this is the life I have always wanted. His life is what makes me feel as though my life has meaning. This is what I was born to do, and I'm so glad that Jaxon lets me do it for him.

Happy Birthday to my rainbow baby. After so much heartbreak he finally came into our lives and changed it for the better. I cannot believe how blessed we are to not only know, but to be the parents of such a sweet spirit. We love you, thank you for being born.

February 16, 2018

2 under 2!

I am going to be brutally honest with you guys in this blogpost, and I'm sorry, but I figured I should be as open as I can about this. As people know, it took us a while to get pregnant with Jaxon. Not in the typical infertility way, but just in the sense that my cycles were off, as well as every time we got pregnant for a while we ended up miscarrying. So, when we got pregnant with Jaxon and made it into the second trimester we were ecstatic! That's kind of the problem with miscarrying with your first pregnancies, you have no idea what it means for the future.

We love our little boy. He's perfect. He slept 12 hours straight in his own crib starting at about 3 months. He's such a happy little guy, even when he's clearly not feeling well. He's so ridiculously handsome, and he's honestly just so much fun. We're obsessed with him. He's everything that we could have wanted.

Buuuuttttt that did not by any means mean that we wanted to have another baby any time soon. For a little while we talked about starting to try in January 2018, and about a month after that idea came up I vetoed it. There we actually times when I said, "I don't even know if I want another kid. I'm plenty happy with the one that I have." I didn't even say that on nights or days when Jax was being rough, I would just randomly think it. I felt that way for a while, but eventually realized that we both always imagined at least two. Buuutttt that didn't mean anytime soon. At all.

On December 2nd we spent the day running a bunch of errands and just going around. We went to In N Out and I was stooooked, but the second the plate of food was in my lap I got ridiculously nauseous, but I tried eating it anyway because... it's In N Out. I got about half-way through before I was like "I actually can't finish this or I'm going to be sick." Kelly especially thought that was weird, but obviously I... probably... wasn't pregnant, so we shrugged it off. The next day at church I told him I needed to go home- I felt AWFUL. I told him I honestly just felt "off." Now, my husband knows that I say that right at the beginning of pregnancy. I had been pregnant three times total before this one, so he had heard that before.

So, I decided to take a test. I took it right before I was going to take a bath since I still felt awful. I took it and looked at it for a second, and then got into the bath.

Kelly came in and said, "Negative?" And I said, "Yeah. Even though I definitely don't want a baby, it is always kind of sad to see negative though." He nodded his head and went to get Jax. While he was gone I looked at the test again and literally screamed "KKEEEELLLLYYYYY" I handed him the test. It was a faint 2nd line, but it was there. It was DEFINITELY there!

I immediately started crying. A lot.

This was not the plan. It was 100% our fault (tmi?) but it still wasn't the plan. It was definitely a surprise. And I was not ready for this. MY HAIR IS STILL FALLING OUT FROM JAX, how could I have another baby????

I took approximately 9702394703297432 more tests after that because I was in such disbelief. How was I going to handle having two babies? Kelly was working so much, he still had a semester left before he got his Masters, and I just genuinely did not believe that I was going to be able to handle having two kids.

Eventually, after like 3 weeks, the shock subsided and we actually started to get excited. Kelly and I had learned that countless times, so I'm not sure why we were really that surprised about this one. We are so excited now. SO excited. Kelly daily comes in and says, "I'm so excited to have my two little boys," and honestly I'm stoked for the days he can pick the two of them up and go to a trampoline gym or go-karts and I can sit at home.

To be even more honest, I cried when we found out it was a boy though. I won't get into how badly or why we wanted a girl, but we did. I wasn't sad it was a boy, but I was so sad it wasn't a girl. I know that doesn't make sense, but I did love this baby and I loved him as a boy, but a little part of me really believed it was a girl. I'm genuinely over it though, because I KNOW that the second I hold that little baby I am not going to for a SECOND think, "I wish you had been a girl." That's my little boy, and I am so so so excited to meet him.

Things rarely go the way that we think that they will. Kelly and I have experienced this countless times. We'd plan to move somewhere, but be forced or have a better opportunity somewhere else. We'd plan on having a kid, we'd miscarry. We'd plan on a job, it would fall through. It happens all the time, and it happened with us getting pregnant with this little boy. But I can say with completely honesty that our lives have been so much better than we imagined they would be. We're THANKFUL for all of the times it didn't work out the way we wanted, because it was ALWAYS better. We KNOW it'll be the same with our little Maddox, and we know that this is the way it's supposed to be. 

So, here's to you little Maddox. We're so excited to meet you.

November 28, 2017

the cutest nursery!

We have finally moved and it feels so good to say! I feel like I can finally really decorate the way that I want and that I can finally be proud of my apartment! When we were living in student housing we had those cinderblock walls and it was ROUGH honestly. It wasn't too bad, it was cheap, but it was ugly. I remember setting up Jaxon's nursery and being so proud of it, but wishing I could have had normal walls and a cute rug and just really make it cute! NOW I CAN!

We did have to add a queen bed for when family comes to visit, which I don't like, but in general I'm so happy with how his nursery looks, and especially because of Lorena Canals Rugs! I have wanted one of these rugs FOREVER but I didn't want to even bother with it in the village since it was such an unfortunate nursery anyway, but now that we actually have a cute place for it I couldn't resist! They are machine washable (what?) which is perfect for a family with a dog, and a baby! Already Jax has thrown up on it, but I could just pick it up and throw it in the wash and I have to tell you- greatest feeling eeeeever! 

It is also so so so soft! I'm obsessed with it. I love just laying down with Jax on it and playing with him. But most of all- HOW CUTE IS IT?! I'm in LOVE with how cute it is! It was perfect for the space and I am so so happy with this company and their quality! Go and get yourself a Lorena Canals Rug- you won't regret it! I promise! I've posted about it multiple times on Instagram because I honestly can't tell you how much I love it. I could rave about it forever. I'm going to be using it as a backdrop for MANY a pictures, I can tell you that already!